Ladies, Do You Want Sam De Brito Instructing Your Potential Paramours?
Posted by Clem Bastow on September 12, 2008
Dawn Chorus pal Elmo emailed me this link with the subject “Is this serious – or has his account been hacked?” – and as soon as I clicked the link, my heart sank and my vagina closed over indefinitely.
In short, evidently I missed the memo that the Fairfax stable was going to turn its second biggest blog into a how-to guide for the sexually challenged, because today’s All Men Are Liars post is… well, here’s some edited highlights:
Say you’re kissing on the couch – don’t immediately dive your hand between her legs and start massaging her breasts like they’re mounds of wholemeal dough. Kiss her gently, softly, use your tongue judiciously, get the rhythm right. Bite her lips tenderly, then break away, give her a smile perhaps, smell her neck, touch her face, then start again.
Most women, indeed, most people are somewhat insecure about the way they look naked, so be expressive, be appreciative but not fawning – you want to seem like you’re experienced, but not jaded.
Do not be scared of a woman’s clitoris, but do not assault it. No two women will like being eaten in the same way so, though your ex-girlfriend may have loved you grinding your tongue over the little man in the boat, the next woman you meet may like it to be softly brushed with the tip.
And so on. Move over Dr Freud, De Brito knows what women want! (I’ll tell you what I want, it’s never to read the words “eaten” in the same context as “clitoris” ever again.)
Is anyone else bothered by his swaggering love god tone? I have no problem, essentially, with guides to lovemaking – some people just need a how-to guide for everything in life, and your friends and family won’t always have the answers you want or need – nor ones written by men. What I do take issue with here is De Brito’s audacity to “know” precisely what women like or are like in bed (not to mention that this is little more than an ad for his latest book). Only women can tell you what women want – if De Brito had interviewed 100 women of various ages and persuasions and compiled the results, then fine. As it is, not so fine.
Additionally, the sexism inherent in writing like this cuts both ways – remember, outmoded gender stereotyping hurts everyone – because in addition to speaking on behalf of women, it also paints “the Australian bloke” as a hopeless drongo who doesn’t know where a clitoris is and thinks that breasts are there to squeeze like stress balls. I can handle Dolly Magazine guides to kissing aimed at 14 year olds who’ve barely held hands with other teens, but assuming that there is a generation of men (who are, presumably, in the 18 -35 and beyond bracket) out there who don’t know how to have sex seems more than a little presumptuous and depressing to me.
But what do you think, women? If De Brito’s book (and, thus, this blog excerpt from it) promises to help men “become a man women want”, does this how-to bode well for the drones Building A Better Bloke will create? Do you want any of what you’ve read in today’s blog entry?