But putting the blame solely on football is a cop-out. Those boys belong to a lot of other groups: home,neighbourhood,school,community. They are tapped in to a barrage of sexist violence-condoning crap in movies, songs, radio, internet sites. They didn’t learn to think that coercing a woman into sex isn’t rape just at the football club. Let’s not give our society an out by dismissing this as something boorish footballers do.

It’s sad that you’ve managed to meet so many parents you see as negative and angry. Do you have reason to believe that this stems from feminism somehow? The only parents I have met who I’d categorise in that way also appear to be staunchly set in kyriarchal ways; and I meet a lot more men I’d put into this basket than I do women. I know we move in different circles geographically, but I find this particular difference very striking.

(and it frustrates me that they now think they can’t buy anything that is pink or blue, as heaven forbid a baby that can barely focus beyond 10 cm or recognise colour be dressed in a gendered colour not for their sex)

Now I’m pregnant myself, and facing the hard realities and choices of what kind of parent I want to be, I have to agree with much of what Mel has written. I feel like the decisions I’m already making for this person are really little more than a list of NOs. No Bratz, no Barbies, no blue/pink, no engendered toy assumptions… on and on it goes.

Particularly when I consider having a daughter, I wonder how I can stop this list of things I won’t do (or allow to be done to her) and still approach her upbringing with a sense of positivity. And surely the inherent value in feminism is in allowing choice. How are we doing this if we begin with a big list of blackbanned activities and ideas? Yes, parenting is about guiding, and certainly about making healthy choices for our children before they can do it for themselves, but I find the ideas of empowerment much more engaging.

I don’t want my child to develop an obsession for those (as I perceive them) negative role models or influences by making them forbidden. I want to be saying yes and showing the positive elements of feminism and a wide world of choices for women. It may be a stereotype to see some feminist mothers as negative and angry but I do worry about transforming into exactly that. Because I know women like this, and I don’t see their children being engaged with the awesome ideals that make these women so passionate. It turns them off. Perhaps age will change their view, but it’s not achieving what I assume their parents are aiming for at this point.

My blog is rather tongue in cheek-ly named ‘Maintaining the rage makes me tired’, because sometimes I feel that the anger, the passion, required to stay engaged and focused in a world which so often fails our optimistic expectations is so damn hard! It is tiring, and often it feels easier to give up, to want to laugh, to disengage for your own sanity. And I already feel like the choices relating to raising this child, boy or girl, are wearing on me as being tough. I won’t give up, but I do feel like some of them strip joy, and I’m not sure how to shield my child from this while staying on track. I need to stay firm, protect them from the mainstream brainwash, show them the positivity in feminism and try to avoid saying NO to everything that seems so appealing to them and their friends.

The women I admire are those who tread this line, and come out on the positive side. Your parenting as you have described it Lauredhel, seems positive and embracing rather than negative and without humor. One of my closest friends is staunchly feminist and remains one of the most upbeat, engaged parents I know. Those are the feminists I most look to when trying to see how we can parent and instill values in our children.

- “In a society that manically worships and idolizes idiot, degenerate men who kick a ball around, then it is important for the media to report that a lot of these idiot men aren’t just illiterate brutes, but rapists as well.” I recognise that you are using strong language to illustrate your point, but this is exactly the sort of statement I have difficulty accepting. There are hundreds of examples of exemplary young men who play football who do not stand for this behaviour, indeed the majority, either at elite level or otherwise. Yes, there are a small minority who fit your description, and no it’s not acceptable. But that doesn’t make it a fair statement to brand all, or even most footballers as rapists, which is what the mass media have verged on reporting in this case.

- “This is not a sex scandal, this is a pack rape; an insanely violent and cruel sexual assault. I hope you see the difference.” I do see the difference, and apologise if it was perceived otherwise. My point is that this horrible crime happens in society and does not receive the attention it deserves, unless the media find an angle that plays to their sensationalistic needs. Football was the angle in this case, and, to an extend, has been unfairly victimised as a result. However, I agree with your broader point that football should be a part of the discussion. I simply feel it has been the entire focus of the mass media discussion, rather than a contributing factor, which isn’t doing the real issues – gang rape, male attitudes towards women, etc – justice.

To conclude, I respect all commenters and their opinions on this important post. I also openly recognise that I am a young male that has never had to deal with the incomprehendable pain and suffering that victims of these crimes have to live with. And while I have seen the ugly side of football at times, and understand that it should not be excluded from scrutiny, I have also seen it achieve incredible social outcomes, particularly with regard to race relations. I simply feel that the media and some people’s perception of football is often disproportionally negative.