The Dawn Chorus

Fresh Australian Feminism

Ladies, Do You Want Sam De Brito Instructing Your Potential Paramours?

Posted by Clem Bastow on September 12, 2008

Dawn Chorus pal Elmo emailed me this link with the subject “Is this serious – or has his account been hacked?” – and as soon as I clicked the link, my heart sank and my vagina closed over indefinitely.

In short, evidently I missed the memo that the Fairfax stable was going to turn its second biggest blog into a how-to guide for the sexually challenged, because today’s All Men Are Liars post is… well, here’s some edited highlights:

Say you’re kissing on the couch – don’t immediately dive your hand between her legs and start massaging her breasts like they’re mounds of wholemeal dough. Kiss her gently, softly, use your tongue judiciously, get the rhythm right. Bite her lips tenderly, then break away, give her a smile perhaps, smell her neck, touch her face, then start again.


Most women, indeed, most people are somewhat insecure about the way they look naked, so be expressive, be appreciative but not fawning – you want to seem like you’re experienced, but not jaded.


Do not be scared of a woman’s clitoris, but do not assault it. No two women will like being eaten in the same way so, though your ex-girlfriend may have loved you grinding your tongue over the little man in the boat, the next woman you meet may like it to be softly brushed with the tip.

And so on. Move over Dr Freud, De Brito knows what women want! (I’ll tell you what I want, it’s never to read the words “eaten” in the same context as “clitoris” ever again.)

Is anyone else bothered by his swaggering love god tone? I have no problem, essentially, with guides to lovemaking – some people just need a how-to guide for everything in life, and your friends and family won’t always have the answers you want or need – nor ones written by men. What I do take issue with here is De Brito’s audacity to “know” precisely what women like or are like in bed (not to mention that this is little more than an ad for his latest book). Only women can tell you what women want – if De Brito had interviewed 100 women of various ages and persuasions and compiled the results, then fine. As it is, not so fine.

Additionally, the sexism inherent in writing like this cuts both ways – remember, outmoded gender stereotyping hurts everyone – because in addition to speaking on behalf of women, it also paints “the Australian bloke” as a hopeless drongo who doesn’t know where a clitoris is and thinks that breasts are there to squeeze like stress balls. I can handle Dolly Magazine guides to kissing aimed at 14 year olds who’ve barely held hands with other teens, but assuming that there is a generation of men (who are, presumably, in the 18 -35 and beyond bracket) out there who don’t know how to have sex seems more than a little presumptuous and depressing to me.

But what do you think, women? If De Brito’s book (and, thus, this blog excerpt from it) promises to help men “become a man women want”, does this how-to bode well for the drones Building A Better Bloke will create? Do you want any of what you’ve read in today’s blog entry?


11 Responses to “Ladies, Do You Want Sam De Brito Instructing Your Potential Paramours?”

  1. Leah said

    Horrible and sooo depressing. What will his next blog entry be, ‘how to piss’, ‘how to walk’ and ‘how to fall off a slippery log’? My skin literally crawled reading that excerpt. It conjured images of this man standing there with a manual while he studies some poor girl in a petri dish/bed.

    I hate the whole presumption of women as objects waiting to have something done to them – newsflash Sam, people have sex together, you know, COLLABORATIVELY, one doesn’t ‘do’ it to the other, and if a guy wants to know what a girl wants, ASK HER.

  2. scal said

    I had a bit of a laugh at his entreaty to imagine a woman’s breast is the head of your penis. It’s not much of a stretch to imagine him treating his cock “reverentially”, “stroke[ing] it gently, kiss[ing it”.


    But to answer your question seriously, his blog made me squirm with embarrassment, but really, his whole book seems to provide decent advice. It is aimed at the socially-awkward and inexperienced, and his suggestions about building hobbies and making yourself interesting are valid.

    But you’re right that the ickiness comes from his obvious belief that he has it all worked out, and that to be a “better bloke”, you should be like him.

    Oh, and i just learnt something … a “small, flesh-coloured tic-tac”? Mine’s the size of, I don’t know … a cool mint. I always wondered why men supposedly had difficulty finding it.

  3. sjx said


    “though your ex-girlfriend may have loved you grinding your tongue over the little man in the boat.”

    I’m a bit confused. ‘Little Man in the Boat’ is what I call my penis?

  4. Germaine Greer said

    What exactly is your problem with what he’s written? I read it and see you’ve left out the proviso that he wrote in the blog:

    Before we get into this, I’ve had a few emails from younger male readers asking some surprisingly simple sex questions, so I thought I’d give you another chapter from my book Building a Better Bloke.

    Sure it’s an unashamed plug for his book but it’s better than nothing. I read de Brito’s work pretty regularly and got your blog by Googling him because I was interested in how the blogo-sphere would react to this piece after reading it.

    As a single mother of two young boys I’m sometimes appalled by what he writes but he does give me insight into the attitudes my sons will be facing and absorbing at school and beyond.

    Where do young boys go to find out about this stuff where it’s not dry and academic and they just give up on it – I’d love your suggestions. That’s what I like about his writing – that he talks to boys in a voice they recognise.

    I’m not saying what he’s written is gospel – and neither does he – but I think it’s great someone is writing this stuff for young men because, in my experience, there’s many out there who are clueless and feel powerless to change that situation.

    I’d say one last thing – that the mocking tone of a lot of what you’ve written here contributes to why men do not discuss these topics and remain clueless. So many of them are scared they’ll be laughed at if they ask “dumb” questions like “where is your clitoris”, so they just don’t and we’re the ones who are left to suffer.

    It frustrates me that we feminists fall into the trap, time and time again of looking at gender issues as a tug of war, when they’re really two sides of the one coin.

    I know my little boys attitudes are in my hands and I’m doing my level best to steer them down the right course, but I worry if they’re mocked and attacked for asking questions in the wrong language by women who offer no alternatives they’ll just give up altogether.


  5. Elmo Keep said

    If you are going to impersonate Germaine Greer, you could at least get fundamental facts such as the fact she as no children, correct. Imbecile.

  6. Germaine Greer said

    Dear oh dear, I’m not impersonating her, what a laugh!
    It’s a blog handle Elmo because I admire her writing.
    Wow, so much aggression here and no-one answers my questions.

  7. steven said

    perhaps a less confusing pseudonym may be better in future though ‘Germaine’.
    Yours sincerely,
    Greg Combet 😉

  8. Elmo Keep said

    Apologies, my mistake. By “imbecile” I meant to say, “indeed, what a laugh!”

  9. Lee said

    “Where do young boys go to find out about this stuff where it’s not dry and academic and they just give up on it”

    If you are turning to Sam De Brito for this kind of information for your children’s education then I truly, sincerely am concerned for their futures.

    “I’d love your suggestions.”

    Here’s one for you: Tell your kids to talk to their mates instead of reading a book from a self-proclaimed expert like that De Brito. Reading the back of a public toilet door will teach them more then reading gob shite from De Brito.

    “That’s what I like about his writing – that he talks to boys in a voice they recognise“

    So does Bart Simpson but you don’t see him professing to know much about a clitoris, do we?

  10. I would be somewhat shocked were I to “dive” my hand between a woman’s legs and then find I was massaging breasts.

    Maybe I’m out of touch and female anatomy has evolved since I was sitting on couches..

  11. m said

    Sam De Brito is seriously one of the worst writers I’ve ever had the misfortunes of coming across. It makes me laugh when people actually think he speaks the truth. He is a great example of a “wannabee” writer who failed BIG TIME at making it as a serious writer. It’s amazing that he writes a column about men and women, considering he knows nothing about either! haha.

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